My Journey With Singleness

Revised from the original post with New Growth Press.

Let me paint you a picture

Each year, I spend major holidays Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas with my extended family in beautiful East Tennessee. We have a big family, and I’m thankful we’re so close. I’m also the second oldest of nine cousins. Six are married, including my two younger sisters, and most everyone has at least two kids. Needless to say, our holidays fill the house with lots of love and family time.

At the same time, because I’m single, these gatherings are also difficult. They can serve as a constant reminder of what the Lord, for whatever reason, hasn’t allowed in my life—a family of my own. As I reflect on these challenges, I hope to encourage singles with my story and end with ways you might honor God in your singleness. Lastly, I want to finish with a few encouragements for married believers who want to support single Christians.

Obviously, this post differs from what I usually write about. It also deals with a topic that can be difficult to share. But if you’ve followed my work over the years, you know that I want to be a good steward of what God gives me, even aspects of my story that are hard. I want to steward my singleness well and have shared other layers of my story here and here. This post is just another layer.

Lessons in Singleness

Growing up in church, I heard that surrendering my singleness to God was important. And once I did, he would bring me a husband because that’s the way it seemed to happen. At least, that was how things went for those telling the story.

I beat myself up for years over that advice. Despite desiring marriage, God hadn’t allowed it. In my mind, going by those well-meaning advisors, I wasn’t doing something right. Thankfully, I know now that it’s impossible for me to mess up God’s sovereign plans. If marriage at 20 had been his purpose for me, nothing would have stopped it.

Despite unmet desires, God cultivated a deep sense of surrender and trust in my college years. I came to realize he didn’t owe me anything, not salvation and definitely not marriage. So, I determined to live my life for him and to be open-handed with whatever that meant. I sought to live out his purposes one day at a time. No doubt, remaining single has been harder at times than others. Over the years, the Lord has enabled me to surrender my singleness to him day by day and, sometimes, on a moment by moment basis.

Challenging Contexts

Over the years, there have been other layers that added to the out-of-place feeling of not being married. Years of ministry work and seminary degrees landed me in Christian contexts that don’t always feel welcoming or understanding of singles…especially women and even more the older you get. In these settings, singleness can be questioned, viewed with suspicion, or even judged as failing to fulfill the biblical role for women. Often in these settings, I would ask myself—don’t Christians believe in a sovereign God who works ALL THINGS in accordance with his will (Eph 1:11)?

I knew that my unwanted singleness didn’t exist outside of God’s sovereign power, unlimited ability, and good plans. And if others didn’t understand or made assumptions, I would continue to trust God’s faithfulness to me and fight to be faithful to him.

Over the years, the Lord taught me many lessons on unwanted singleness, some that I keep having to relearn. Hopefully, I can encourage you if you face struggles with singleness too.

Encouragements from My Journey

First, if you are single now, it’s not by accident. It is part of God’s sovereignly-designed plan for your life, including the days written in his book before you were born (Ps 139:16). As our Creator, God cares about every detail of your life, even determining when and where you would be born so that you would come to know him (Acts 17:26-27). After all, the purpose of life isn’t marriage. It is a relationship with your Creator, one that will continue for eternity. Marriage is for this present age; your relationship with (or rejection of) God is eternal (Matt 22:30).

Second, if you’re single now, it’s a calling for your present season.  God, in his sovereignty and providence, could change that season tomorrow. He could change it in two years or twenty. At the same time, he may leave me and you in that season for the rest of our lives. BUT that’s a reality he doesn’t ask us to accept today. What he does ask is to trust him and accept singleness today and every other day that he continues this season. If this describes you, look for what God is doing in your life now. Surrender yourself to whatever that is, and you just might find he’ll do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine (Eph 3:20). I know he’s done that in my life.

Third, know that at some point in your adult life, the chances are that you’ll be single. Maybe you’ll wait longer to get married and experience singleness younger than most. Or, if your spouse dies first, you’ll experience a time of unexpected singleness later in life. Either way, singleness is a season most will encounter at some point as an adult. This is a sober recognition that can comfort those who are single now, while also helping those who are married not view singleness with suspicion but as part of God’s good, sovereign plan.

If You Are Single

If you find yourself presently single, think about how you can honor the Lord where you are, even and especially when being alone feels more difficult. Focus on sharing your faith and discipling others, teaching them the Christian faith. Follow the example of Christ or the Apostle Paul who spent their lives making spiritual children.

No matter your relationship status or season of life, remember that believers should not be characterized by discontentment. God commands us to give thanks always and for everything (Eph 5:20), to rejoice in the Lord always (Phil 4:4), to trust that his ability to supply our every need (Phil 4:19), and to let Christ’s peace dwell in our hearts while being thankful (Col 3:15). Paul also explained that he learned to be content with whatever situation God had him in (Phil 4:11). He went through times of need and times of prosperity, humbling seasons, and flourishing seasons. These experiences taught him how to trust the Lord and live for him with a thankful, rejoicing mindset despite his life circumstances. It is the same for us today. Contentment doesn’t come naturally (1 Tim 6:3-10) and must be learned, whatever our situation.

Cultivating contentment will be necessary for numerous applications in life, whether you’re single or married. Circumstances that require fighting for contentment are by definition unwanted. For singles who entrust God with desires that go unfulfilled, fight against discontentment. If you allow it to grow, it will fester into bitterness and could cause you to doubt God’s goodness. Instead, as Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7, believers should live the life the Lord has assigned them to live. We will all endure seasons when it’s harder to rejoice and live for God, ones when our circumstances are not what we would have chosen.

If discontentment characterizes your current season of life, chances are you will lack contentment in the next. Rather than defining your life by what you lack, your usefulness in God’s kingdom is defined by your faithfulness to him in the stage and season of life he has you in.

The “tips” for singles could go on. Get involved in your local church. Be in community. Invest in others. Steward your health. Work hard. Save money. Pursue godliness in every area of life. Devote yourself to Scripture and prayer. If you trust your present singleness to the Lord, he’ll help you flourish where you are.

Last, endeavor to know your faith. Fighting for and learning contentment entails knowing, trusting, and resting in God—who he is and what he does—his sovereign control over the seasons of life, his perfect wisdom in knowing what is best, and his gracious provision for us as our patient and good Father. Clinging to these truths will enable a contentment that is learned, one strong enough to withstand undesirable seasons and circumstances.

If You Are Married

Those who are married can sometimes have a hard time understanding singleness. It’s hard to recognize that the challenges that characterize the dating landscape today may involve unique factors and challenges that didn’t affect you. It’s important not to assume you know why someone is single. Don’t let their relationship status cause you to make assumptions without knowing their story or disregard their usefulness to God’s kingdom. Instead, invest in a single. Take them to dinner. Include them in a family outing or game night. Pray for them, and lend a listening ear. Ask genuine questions that show meaningful interest in their lives. The reasons they’re single are likely varied and possibly ones you never considered. Hearing their stories shows them you care and helps you better understand their circumstances.

In the end, for those single and married, these and other steps can deepen the bonds of friendship within the family of God, helping singles who desire marriage know they’re seen and valued.